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  #471  
Old 25th January 2009, 01:15 AM
maestersinger57 maestersinger57 is offline
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Default Re: Jokes from another site

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love was in the air so Marie leaned over to Pierre and said, "Pierre, kiss me!"

So our hero grabbed a bottle of red wine and splashed it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieked Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer was good enough for Marie and things began to heat up.

So she said, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero ripped off her blouse, grabbed a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?!"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leaned over once more and softly whispered into Pierre's ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tore off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and sprinkled it all over her groin. He took a match and set it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screamed, "PIERRE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
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  #472  
Old 8th May 2009, 05:29 PM
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prince of darkness prince of darkness is offline
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Default Re: Jokes from another site

An Aberdonian was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely Scot.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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  #473  
Old 19th May 2009, 01:06 PM
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Shian7 Shian7 is offline
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Location: New Marske
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Default Re: Jokes from another site

Food Tips....

>
>
> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
> life; is this true?
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
> that's it... Don't waste them on exercise.
> Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will
> not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
> extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to
> live longer? Take a nap.
>
>
>
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
> vegetables?
> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
> eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
> steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
> delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
> chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
> leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
> recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
>
> Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
> Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water
> out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
> that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
> Bottoms up!
>
> Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is
> one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one,
> etc.
>
> Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a
> regular exercise program?
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
> is: No Pain...Good!
>
> Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
> .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
> they're permeated in it. How could getting more
> vegetables be bad for you?
>
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
> around the middle?
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
> bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
> bigger stomach.
>
>
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
> A: Are you crazy?
> HELLO
> Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
> feel-good food around!
>
>
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
> me.
>
>
> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>
>
> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
> have had about food and diets.
>
>
> And remember:
>
>
> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
> intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
> preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay
> in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used
> up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a
> Ride'
>
>
>
>
> AND......
>
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the
> final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to
> know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
> studies.
>
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
> heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
> heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
> sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> Americans.
>
>
> CONCLUSION
>
>
> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
> what kills you. ............ ..
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Kudakutemo
kudakutemo

ari mizu-no tsuki

Though it be be broken -
broken again - still it's there:
the moon on the water.

- Choshu.
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  #474  
Old 30th May 2010, 10:10 AM
A Stuart A Stuart is offline
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Location: Selkirk, Scotland
Posts: 249
Default Re: Jokes from another site

Latest Spam received. Was not, I think, intended to be seen as a joke :

"Replica Rolex models of the latest Baselworld 2010 designs have just been launched on our replica sites.
These are the first run of the 2010 models with inner Rolex inscriptions and better bands and cases.
Only limited to 1000 pieces worldwide, they are expected to sell out within a month."

Wouldn't it be disgraceful if someone flooded the market with replicas of the limited edition replicas?
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  #475  
Old 5th July 2010, 02:12 PM
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Cobblers Cobblers is offline
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Location: Malvern
Posts: 1,225
Default Re: Jokes from another site

http://scaryideas.com/content/17582/
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  #476  
Old 12th October 2010, 06:12 PM
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prince of darkness prince of darkness is offline
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Location: Boddam, Aberdeenshire
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Default Re: Jokes from another site

An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.... With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures....



"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.


We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached everychange of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered



""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand, Australia, and Wales.
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  #477  
Old 8th November 2010, 11:53 AM
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prince of darkness prince of darkness is offline
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Default Re: Jokes from another site

Security news summary:




The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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